Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
*exercises sarcastically*
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”