If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
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Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
never deleting this app.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Had an epiphany today.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂