Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
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So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Have a lovely day 😊
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.