“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
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There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
sigh
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%