I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
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Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change