we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
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so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.