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@CroweJam: Be the change you're looking for
between the couch cushions.
@wakeelee: No, you're not fat, you're just easy to see.
@TheBoydP: My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I'm not that old...
@huntigula: *finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* "WHAT IS YOUR WIS...OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK"
@TheMichaelRock: Never laugh at a toddlers joke unless you want to hear it repeated 425 more times.
@daemonic3: Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat's back & everyone wonders why you're naked.