Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
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I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Just why bro?!
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine