Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
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I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean