[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
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advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”