[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
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girls literally only want one thing..
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.