Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
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wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
jesus, what did this guy do
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
A friend helps you before you need it
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”