14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
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I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Growing up was a huge mistake
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
welcome back
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Don’t snitch tag.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Hey i am sexy to you now
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot