Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
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[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.