Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
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saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
lol
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”