Beards are a privilege, not a right
You Might Also Like
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on