@Elizasoul80: Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
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@scorpicpanda: Hubs proposed to me with a really cool flash mob and a medley of Nirvana hits. JK. He was like, "I wanna marry you." And I was like, "K."
@gerryhallcomedy: me: *turns around in swivel chair* *tents fingers* I guess you never expected to see ME again... Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
@ArfMeasures: [Phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love? W: omg YES! ME: I'm petting a dog near there