Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
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[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Realize this:
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.