“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
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Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules