If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
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Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
this has done me in for some reason
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?