[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
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[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road