Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
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[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.