[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious