Beauty and the Beast
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I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.