Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…