Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
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[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
necessity is the mother of invention
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.