Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
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No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
best first i’ve ever seen
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.