Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
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It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time