Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
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ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters