Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
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RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
honestly, i need both:
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.