@Fred_Delicious: [becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
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@bigmacher: Me: "Hey towel, you're looking good. What u doing later?" Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
@LegoGodzilla: I've learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals... I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
@13spencer: Toys 'R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
@trevso_electric: The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.