[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
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11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.