[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
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Me if I was a dog
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I don’t get marriage
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)