A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
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TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old