I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
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*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
They’re the worst 😩
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*