[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
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Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Check out the legs on this baby
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Well, that should do it
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.