[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
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My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
ready to be harvested
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
this article brought to you by lions
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.