I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics