Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
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Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
man: wait
time: no
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
just gave my 5yo power of attorney