[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
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It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks