(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
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*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.