Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
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An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Monday
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive