Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
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My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
(Gaming support cat.)
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this