Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people