Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
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I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*