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@ohsnapdude: Beef jerky is just a cow raisin
@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
@christinaloca: Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
@mattZillaaaa: Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
@huntigula: [Donald Trump's election speech]
"America, I have only 1 thing to say"
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
"YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D"
@TheToddWilliams: WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.