Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
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ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”