a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
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Cheer up.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.