@slaughthie: Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I'm crying alone in parking lots.
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@KayRants: If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I'm not kidding.
@9to5Life: "911, what's your emergency?" "My kids are being jerks." "Hey, Christian, you can't keep calling here." "Are you gonna send help?" "..."