Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
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Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
i’m still crying at this
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit