Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
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*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.