Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
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Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
My favorite female superhero
lol
*ernest hemingway voice*
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I want this so bad
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much