[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
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MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*