@AristotlesNZ: Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?
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@DiamondLou69: I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap... ...I told her it wasn't necessary because I had one earlier today.
@Fred_Delicious: *knock at the door* "H...hello?" "Hi, i'm not a mouse" "Phew, that's good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
@XplodingUnicorn: [out in public] Me: A kid is crying. Wife: It's not one of ours. [we fist bump]
@TheCatWhisprer: *whispers to dog wearing a 'working dog, do not pet' vest* psst what time does your shift end?