Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
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me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.